Book Review: All Joy and No Fun: The Paradox of Modern Parenthood

All new parents are familiar with the plethora of parenting books on the market. From the moment of announcing a pregnancy, family and friends will recommend, or even present you with, the "best" books on the subject. You may buy some yourself. You may even read them. And you will find yourself following some set of rules set out by a highly qualified professional only to discover that they don't quite apply to your child or your family or that some other highly qualified professional disagrees with everything you're doing. And that's small, compared to the judgments of family members, friends, strangers, and yourself on your parenting choices.

What I love about All Joy and No Fun: The Paradox of Modern Parenthood, by Jennifer Senior, is that it is not a book about how to parent - it is about what it means to be a parent. It is about all of that pressure we put on ourselves and that we find in our culture, from books, blogs, news programs, talk shows, and the people around us. It is about the effects of parenthood on a generation of people who have started families later in life than their parents and grandparents and therefore find the sudden disruption in their lives all the more jarring. It is about the uncertain nature of being a parent in a culture in which we are expected to excel both at work and at home (and this applies to both women and men), without any societal support or historical model for accomplishing this. It is about how parenthood changes your marriage and how men and women can find themselves at odds over raising their children and managing their household.

This might all sound like All Joy and No Fun paints a bleak picture of parenthood, which is not accurate. Throughout this book, you will find evidence and reminders of the incredible joys that do come with children. However, the truth is that there are tremendous challenges that come along with those joys. Sometimes, those challenges are overwhelming and even isolating. If I could recommend this book with only one line, it would be this: This book will reassure you that you are not alone in your experiences.

Jennifer Senior is a parent herself, but she rarely brings in her personal experiences, instead drawing on numerous studies and books, as well as several in-depth observations and interviews she conducted with other parents during her research. Far from making the book less personal, her compassion for the people she meets is apparent. One excerpt, in particular - from the chapter on marriage - has stuck with me:

"...Clint, who works at a desk, says he finds work more challenging. 'I had to learn how to be a manager,' he says. 'I'm held to someone else's standard. Whereas here at home, I am the standard. I feel like I do it the way it should be done.'
Angie, meanwhile, says she never knows if she's doing things the way they ought to be done. When asked if she's a good mother, her answer is one word: 'Sometimes.'
She's wrong. Angie's a great mother. If she could just say, 'I am the standard,' maybe she would breathe."

All Joy and No Fun: The Paradox of Modern Parenthood, published by Ecco, is available in hardcover for $26.99.